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Now Some Flowers, They Never Bloom.
and some flowers, they just bloom dead.
Well it's been quite a while since I update this journal... yes... quite a while. I'm looking back at my previous entries, that whole "Tim" thing that was so important to me a while back seems like a blur now. We dated for about 3 weeks and he ended up wanting to "Date" casually - IE wanting to hook up and thats it, and thats that. I ran into him at the silverfox a few months later, he didn't look nearly as good.

I'm going to summarize the past few months -

>So I don't work at Disney anymore.
>John broke up with Jenny... He's been around on and off.
>I climbed Mt. Chapman, 11 miles in knee deep snow.
>The Club Clockwork Orange rocks my socks.
>As does West Hollywood on Wednesday nights (2 for 1 drinks until 12:30AM)
>I've been hanging out with Ray alot, he has become a good friend of mine
>Good Times.
>Steven seems to only call me when he needs a ride.
>Bad Times.
>Propel fitness water now comes in Kiwi Strawberry and Tropical Punch (Lemon is still better)
>I may have found a career
>I bought a car- pictures to follow soon -
>I'm dating a wonderful guy - again, pictures to follow soon (upon permission.)
>Income for the month of March - $3300
>The last 5 years is a beautiful Musical
>I plan to move out very soon
>Outbacks Chicken tastes like steak.
>October Sky is an amazing movie
>I need to play my trumpet more, my endurance is gone.
>South Park made a hillarious episode in which the whole town turns "Metro"
>All my hot male coworkers are having a fierce gay orgy behind my back.
>Played an Easter gig for a church - $250 for 3 services, not bad.
>I miss Toy Soldiers.
>I'm going to New York at the end of May for 5 days to Watch the musicals Wicked - Avenue Q - and Bare.
>I'm having Delusions of grandeur.
>He has big green eyes.
>My friendster was down for a month, thank god it's back up.
>Bitches at Columbia House have yet to send me my next 7 DVDs.
>No one will watch the Jesus movie with me.

He's almost here, time to clean my room. ---

Current Mood: chipper chipper
Current Music: Rent ; "Christmas Bells"

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To days of inspiration, Playing hookie, making something out of nothing, The need to express,
To communicate,
To going against the grain, going insane, going mad
To loving tension, no pension,
To more than one dimension,
To starving for attention, hating convention, hating pretension,
Not to mention of course,
Hating dear old mom and dad.
To riding your bike, midday past the three- piece suits
To fruits.
To no absolutes .
To Absolute- to choice,
To the Village Voice,
To any passing fad,
To being an us-for once-, instead of a them -
To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries.
To yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese.
To leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo,
To huevos rancheros and Maya Angelou,
Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion, Creation, vacation,
Mucho masturbation.
Compassion, to fashion, to passion when it's new.
To Sontag,
To Sondheim,
To anything taboo,
Lenny Bruce,
Langston Hughes,
To the stage,
To Uta,
To Buddha,
Pablo Neruda.
Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow to blow off Auntie Em.
Bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens,
Carcinogens, hallucinogens, men, Pee Wee Herman,
German wine, turpentine, Gertrude Stein,
Antonioni, Bertolucci, Kurosawa,
Carmina Burana.
To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy
Vaclav Havel - The Sex Pistols, 8BC,
To no shame - never playing the Fame Game,
To marijuana.
To sodomy,
It's between God and me.
To S & M.

Current Mood: discontent discontent
Current Music: Rent ; "La Vie Boheme"

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Crawl from this bed you have made
And stop counting on that camera
That hangs round your neck
Because it won't ever remember
What you choose to forget
As you try to find some source of light
Try to name one thing you like
You used to have such a longer list
And light you never had to look for it
But now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
Until all you want is to finish this half empty glass
Before the ice melts away
This feeling used to pass
But seems like it's every day and every night now
I spent all morning looking for this so I could hang it over his door prior to knocking for our night on the town this evening. It was suppose to be date number 3. 3rd times a charm.
Just hung up the phone. Ended with a very unreassuring "I'm going to have to cancel for tonight, I'm not having a good day. I'll call you."

Current Mood: sad sad
Current Music: Ryan Duggan ; "Ten Days Removed"

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He broke his Ankle, so I decided it would be nice to bring him take out for our first date. I arrived at his house at 9:30PM with Red Robin in hand. He had the table set very nice with a candle lit in the center, in the background there was romantic Christmas Music playing. We had a great dinner and then proceeded to cuddle and watch Finding Nemo. After the movie he gave me a tour of his house, I nearly melted when I saw his room, apparently I am not the only Harry Potter freak out there. At the end of the date when I was leaving he called me back for one more kiss. Oh shit... I think I'm hooked...

Current Mood: cold cold
Current Music: Little Shop of Horrors ; "Suddenly Seymour"

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Bad Times

Monday 12/1 - I was driving on East street heading toward Anaheim in the fast lane. The Mexican Person in front of me was looking for his puppy. He hit his brakes suddenly due to almost missing his left turn. I was attempting to read an address off of a house on the left hand side thus was not able to break in time. No Injuries. This will most likely cost me around $1,000.

Wednesday 12/3 - On a brief 30 minute excursion to Omars house I received a parking ticket for not having a residential permit in front of his condo. He has been living there for over 2 years and I've never known anyone to get a ticket out there for that. $25

Monday 12/8 - Two words. S T R E E T S W E E P E R. $35.

Not my week.

Good Times

Steven is on leave this week and next. We have been hanging out, good times.

On another very good note, ever since I started working at Disney there was this dancer that I had a far away crush on (He is an elf in the parade) . We got stuck next to each other on the tram for 45 minutes one day and got to talking. And this last week he asked me out on a date. It was suppose to happen this Sunday but he broke his ankle.

Weight Check - 156lbs *Flex*

Current Mood: cranky cranky
Current Music: Mars Volta ; "Televators"

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So look at you with your worn out shoes
Living proof evolution's through
We're stuck with you
This revolution's due

I got into a car accident today.

Current Mood: discontent discontent
Current Music: Bright Eyes ; "The Calender Hung Itself"

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Hey what's that you say? You're not blaming me for anything that's great
But I don't break that easy. Does it fade away?

Well, it's over and done. I quit Rear Naked Choke this weekend. It was a very difficult choice for me to make, however I honestly believe that we were moving in different directions and participating in five performing groups was beginning to take it's toll on me. Time to focus, regroup and recollect myself. I am also dropping Symphonic Winds at Fullerton College. I really need to get some more G.E.'s done. It hurts when I see many familiar faces which attended Highschool with me getting their B.A.'s this year. And yet I sit here and dwindle my time away in one unit classes which are not mandatory. As materialistic as it sounds, I need to be making some money. There is clothes to be bought, Dinners to be had, Fine Alcohol to be consumed, and I really want to go see some stand up comedy at the improv in Brea (anyone care to join me? $17.50 a ticket).

My car was sent into the shop again this week, a broken motor mount bracket.

I played Rear Naked Choke all day in the C.D. player of my car today. I really miss it... But not as much as I missed my Wednesday nights and Saturday Mornings...

Current Mood: exhausted exhausted
Current Music: Smashing Pumpkins ; "Disarmed"

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Killer Priest Clad in Black - Version #3.0
By: Juan Hidalgo

God loves his children.
Then tell me why,
Tear my wings off, cast me down.
Into this land so void of hope,
This nest of whores and vipers.

For the fault was not of my choosing.
The wheel of destiny was far too heavy to turn alone.
Condemned to hollow ambiguity.
A dubious existance, an aberration of man.

Forsake these dogmatic shackles
Or disown your own flesh
As you cling to self righteousness,
And linger in self decadence,

Your virtuous child wanted to embrace you
Your heathen child now makes his exodus
Product of Torment, Victim of Creed.
Child of the Seraphs, Avatar of Sin.
May you choke on your own halo Killer Priest,
You were my Judas.

Current Mood: creative creative
Current Music: Sigur Ros; "Viorar Vel Til Loftarasa"

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Someone feed the monkey
While I dig in search of china
White as Dracula as I approach the bottom.

Current Mood: cynical cynical
Current Music: Rolling Stones ; "Paint it Black"

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Little angel, go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
Promised I would find a little solace
And some peace of mind
Whatever, just as long as I don't feel so
Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you.

Every whisper
Of every waking hour i’m
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you.

I wanted too...
I really wanted too...
It wouldn't have been right...
One day it will be right...
Consider this...

Current Mood: envious envious
Current Music: Nancy Sinatra ; "Bang Bang"

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Well it has been a month and four days since I get to updating my journal. It has been a very fast paced rousing month.

First things first.


It took five months, hard work, dedication, and a ridiculous amount of
Throwing Up
Will Power

Ok, so in the end it was all will power. I started losing weight in July just by watching what I ate and doing occasional exercise. I started at 208lbs and set my goal to 165lbs. Well I stepped on that scale today and it told me 161lbs. Score. New weight goal. 155lbs. And by the way, the amount that it says I weigh in my drivers license is a dirty dirty lie. I weighed about 208 in that picture.


I stood in the solitary halls of the N-19 building in the Disneyland Resort. However, I was no longer nervous. The bone chilling silence that had caused such a state of fear and uneasiness in the back of my mind was no longer there. It had been a long day, 8 hours to be exact. After a grueling audition process that involved performing a prepared piece, sight reading, and a choreography audition the panel was ready to announce who they would hire this year as a part of Disney's Toy Soldier Unit in the "Christmas Fantasy Parade". There was currently 20 of us waiting for the results, 4 of us would be sent home and the rest would be hired. The original group had started with 30 however they had made cuts during the beginning parts of the audition. Now one thinks wow, 30 auditioning and 16 get hired? not bad odds. Well those 30 who auditioned just all happened to be very high quality musicians who ran neck and neck with each other through most of the process. Those who had been cut were dismissed for the most trivial of reasons: Height Requirements, Inability to Dance and be Choreographed, Fishing without a License, Being caught with Pot in the park when you were 15 years old etc. The Names were called and yes. I was among them. Score. I am now employed by the Mouse.

Backdraw: I had to remove my beloved eyebrow piercing. Apparently it did not fit the "Disney Look".
Perk: My hourly rate is $19.85 per hour, that is more then three times what I was making slaving away at all computers
Backdraw: It is a seasonal position so I will be out of work come mid January
Perk: I get to stare at all the Hot Dancers during rehearsals

I seem to have plunged head first into the dating scene since I stopped seeing Mark. No one gets it... I have been seeing on average about 2 boys a week. It's a shame the majority of them never make it to the second date. There have been a few hits, whom eventually turn out to be misses. On average most of them have been musicians. 2 oboe players even, yum. They don't get it...

I occasionally have my withdrawals from him and I can't help but smile every time I think about him. Why do I not get jealous when he tells me he is seeing other people? I invited him to come hang out on Thursday evening. He said he was going to stay home and watch E.R. and Friends. Maybe that's it. Had he spent more time around my friends we might have lasted. Still though... He gets it..

Halloween was an interesting night. I went to West Hollywood with Ray and Danny. I wish I could remember the rest but I can't. Apparently I ran into my Nicole by sheer chance on the streets of West Hollywood (something which I sadly have no recollection of)

2 shots of Vodka
3 shots of Jaggermeister
1 Cup of Rum and Orange Juice
1 Beer
1 Adios Mother Fucker

and 1 Empty Stomach

3 Parties this weekend. I need to cool it for the next few weeks. Thursday night was my Nicole's 20th Birthday, they grow up so fast. Friday night I threw a very low-key party at my house which was actually a lot of fun. Andrew attended which made me really happy, he even brought some eye candy with him. And last but not least Saturday night was my Erik's 21st Birthday whoo! he can buy me Wicked Pete's Strawberry Blonde now. Yay.

And finally... shout outs to

speedknot7 For being my knight in shining armor on Halloween and guiding me to safety
lbeachcutie For rocking my socks
thelowlife For making fucking up look so cool

Current Mood: determined determined
Current Music: Mad Caddies ; "The Joust"

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elscorchoboy: so some fucking hot guy wants to hook up with me just for meaningless sex....
ie jymn: that's cool
elscorchoboy: I told him no :-\
elscorchoboy: blasted ethics
ie jymn: fuck that man
ie jymn: i mean, fuck that, man

Oh Jim... Always makes me laugh

Current Mood: cheerful cheerful
Current Music: Rear Naked Choke ; "It's Time"

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<td bgcolor="#000000">Your Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Astrological Sign</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Angel Type</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Angel of Music</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Wing Color</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Powder Blue</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Heavenly Weapon</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Ability to bless or curse</td></tr>
Afterlife as an Angel by childdoll
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Where is my angel of music....

Current Mood: distressed distressed
Current Music: Phantom of the Opera ; "Angel of Music"

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I looked into his eyes, gave me one last peck on the lips and walked away. With the last words he had said to me ringing in my head I sped off. In truth I still don't know whether or not it was the right thing to do, whether I am going to wake up a month from now and figure out he was what I wanted. Nonetheless I am grateful to him.

Mark was the first boy I dated seriously and I learned a great deal from this experience. I am really glad about the fact that whenever I think back to him I will have nothing but fond memories of him.

Time to get back on the prowl and see what there is to see. I could really go for an instrumental musician this time. I have come to the conclusion that I am infatuated with hot woodwind players, Sax, Clarinet, Bassoon, Oboe and sometimes flute (although most male flute players tend to be flamey)

Current Mood: indifferent indifferent
Current Music: Eric Whitacre ; "Equus"

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So I saw him again today, walking down the halls in the music building. We made eye contact for a split second and I quickly looked away like a giddy school girl. I'm going to marry him one day. Oh how I wish I had the courage to talk to him more often. Oh how I wish I knew whether he was gay or not. He has dimples... hot.

-He shops at Hollister
-He plays Clarinet and Saxophone
-He watches his weight
-He has to be gay... right? RIGHT???

I finally said something to him on Monday... we were in the Music Hall and I was talking to his best friend (whom we have dubbed "Goober") and he was eating a cupcake, so I pointed at his chin and said "You have a little, uh...". Alas it only lasted for 5 minutes, and there he went again. Walking out of my life like he does every Monday / Wednesday at 3:00 PM.

I can't help but feel like Pacman Mrs. Pacman. Monday we talk... maybe I will chase him like in grade school during the week and then marry him on Friday.

*Falls Over*

Current Mood: flirty flirty
Current Music: Tori Amos; "Crucify"

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This whole going to school and working more hours is starting to burn me out. I am currently working 10pm-2am Sunday Monday Tuesday and Thursday nights and have Rear Naked Choke rehearsal 6ish-10ish on Wednesday and 12ish-4ish on Saturday. I really miss my time to myself but I knew what I was getting myself into when I agreed to join Rear Naked Choke. It is a huge commitment but I don't regret it as of yet.

We had our second show this Friday at the Allen Theatre and it turned out to be a big success for the most part. We had a big audience and the response from the crowd was awesome. Once again I received the SAME complaint from every person I brought to the show: The vocals were not loud enough and the rhythm section was too loud. I sincerely hope this does not become a habit. (I remember going to One Against All shows and being able to hear NOTHING but the drums)

Someone broke into my friend Brenda's car during the show. I was at a loss for words, her radio and other small belongings were stolen and there was nothing I could do about it. Here she was driving from Brea piling 4 people into her car to come see me for the first time in 2 years and something like this happens. Solution: I refuse to promote any further shows at the Allen Theatre, It is in a HORRIBLE area and I want nothing to do with it. (However if Jarrod continues to book it I will unenthusiastically comply but I will not bring people) I am really afraid of falling into "One Against All Syndrome" where we play the same damn venue and all our friends get tired of coming to see us. Although on the bright hand side Erik told me he is nearly finished recording the vocal tracks onto Rise Above. Upon it's completion we will record one more song and hopefully start sending out some Demo's.

I received this letter from my old friend Zach whom I use to play in el Scorcho with, it has filled me with enthusiasm and a vision - Perhaps one day we can play a venue where I won't be ashamed afraid to bring my friends-

Hey Juan,

Good to hear from you! I did in fact listen to the song you mentioned and what
I heard was really decent. It's good that you're still playing.

In regards to getting booked at the block
send an e-mail to: Heather.Amundson@millscorp.com
Ask her for an address to send a demo to and I'm sure she'll be happy to help
you out, though you should know they may not be doing any booking until after

Getting booked at Irvine Spectrum is great cause they'll actually pay you $150
to perform. Mail a demo and cover letter to
71 Fortune Drive, Suite 970, Irvine, California 92618.
Somewhere on the package write ATTN: Barbie Reily

Neither venue provides a PA system, so you'll have to supply your own if you
get booked.

In regards to playing a show together or something like that, I'd be all for
it just for the fun factor alone but I don't know if we play similar enough
music for it to go over well. I'm open to the possibility though...

Good luck with everything!


We have 2 upcoming shows that I am very excited about. One in the Cerritos College Quad on October 7th at noon and one in front of the Renaissance Cafe' in front of the Tustin Market Place on October 17th, I hope to see some of you there.

Current Mood: exanimate exanimate
Current Music: Radiohead ; "2 + 2 = 5"

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Look Before You Leap.

Those Who Hesitate Are Lost.

Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder.

It has been a while since my last update. I have been spending a lot of time with Mark lately and it kind of made me think. It has been little more then 3 weeks since I first met him and we are already acting like boyfriends which scares me in a way. I woke up last Wednesday with these unprovoked feelings of doubt in my mind. I suppose the best way to describe it is that I am scared, no matter what I do I feel as though I am making a mistake. For the longest time I thought the thing I wanted the most was to have a boyfriend and a steady long term relationship, although that ideal still holds true my vision is not as black and white anymore... there is a whole sea of grey that I failed to foresee. I feel things have been moving a bit to fast for comfort, the last week I spent the night at his house about 3 times which in turn caused my mom to jump on my case about never being home. It's bad enough I don't see her during the day having school from 10-4ish everyday and working most nights. Well that's a whole different story, back to Mark; I just wish I could snap my fingers and go back 3 weeks. I would have taken the relationship at a much slower pace. I am afraid that if I tell him that I want to cool it for a bit he will lose interest, he told me he was afraid of us getting into a relationship and then me leaving because I never had a chance to date other men and in a way this would be confirming his fear, I am really at a loss for words or action.

There are a few things I failed to inquire about before jumping into this that are and should be very important to me. For example, what was Marks life before he met me? before we were seeing each other, how would I integrate or fit into this? I have met his best friend Larry a few times and he is cool but besides that I have no idea what he did before me. It has always been my belief that when you start a relationship your life should stay the same, only difference should be that he integrates and fits into your life and vice versa without much changing. I worry about falling into "Francisco syndrome" in which you finally find someone and you completely forget about your friends. Although in this case Mark is not a dirty religious socially inept closed minded bitch and he is not trying to part me from my friends. I guess what I long for is to be more social when I spend time with him. We usually go to dinner or watch a DVD at his house which is fine but sometimes I just get the craving to go out and be around people and it would be really neat if he was there with me. I would like him to meet Omar, to meet Steven, to spend more time around my friends as I would like to meet his friends and spend time with them.

My ideal solution to this situation would be that we see a little less of each other and when we do see each other have something fun and social planned out. But on the other hand since it has only been 3 weeks and no commitment has been made a part of me wants to continue to date other people until I get that out of my system or figure out if Mark is what I really want.

I should mention 2 things he did that gave him major pluses in my book-

*He came over to Erik's house with me on the night of Melissa's Birthday and spent some time with my friends and got along with them great, that really meant a lot to me as my friends are the most important thing to me no matter what.

*He came to my show in South Gate. I know full well he was not thrilled about it merely based on the fact of the area that it was in, he even brought Larry with him. He also waited till we went on at 10:30 even though he had work at 8 in the morning (we were originally suppose to play around 8:00pm not 10:30pm)

Maybe Mark is the right person?

Maybe the only reason I have been dating him is because he is the first guy that I have dated successfully and has shown interest in me? he was the first for a lot of things.

I want to spend my life with the right person...
Not the first one...

Current Mood: confused confused
Current Music: The Cure ; "Tainted Love"

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Written by Jim and I during one of our riveting English Classes.

You can see oh how productive we are -

I met the most intriguing hobo named Horace Mcklaughkin the Wednesday before tomorrow. He was wearing a trashy looking brown hat, shoes that had seen far too many winters, and a black coat saturated in lake water; I was reluctant to ask further questions. It was a warm, sunny, generally nice day. So we decided to have a smoke on the stone bench overlooking the lake. I told him about the time I took the bus to Arkansas and sat on a similar Stone bench next to a mountain goat. He told me about the cozy parking lot behind Mervyns which he calls home. He told me how he had a big home and a small family prior to his gambling incident of 1988. As we talked he ate my lunch which was composed of a ham sandwich, light mayo, carrots, ranch dressing, and a sunny delight. Suddenly someone yelled my name from across Imperial Highway so I gave him some change and departed.

Current Mood: groggy groggy
Current Music: FreakDaddy ; "Still Remember"

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-Spent the night with Mark on Wednesday
-Went to El Torito and saw Pirates of the Caribbean with Mark on Friday
-Wrote 2 new songs with Rear Naked Choke
-We have 3 upcoming shows Booked
-Worked a 12 Hour shift yesterday
-Mark came and saw me at work
-He fell asleep in my arms
-It was the cutest thing ever
-I watched him sleep for an hour
-Greg came out of his coma today

Current Mood: good good
Current Music: John Mayer ; "No Such Thing"

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